This page is for any parent, grandparent, stepparent, or caregiver of a young person you love. I am writing it because I have lived the cost of not knowing what I now know. I am sharing it because no other parent should have to learn it the hard way.
Warning signs every parent should know
These are drawn from AFSP, NAMI, and the lessons no parent ever wants to learn. If you see one of these in your child, take it seriously. If you see several, do not wait.
- Talking, writing, drawing, or singing about death or dying
- Saying things like "I have no reason to live," "Nobody would miss me," or "I'm a burden"
- Sudden withdrawal from friends, family, or activities they used to love
- Giving away possessions they once cared about
- Sleep changes — sleeping too much, sleeping not at all, sleeping at unusual hours
- Mood shifts that feel out of proportion to what is happening
- Sudden calmness after a long period of depression — this can be a warning sign, not a recovery
- Self-harm — cuts, burns, or bruises they cannot or will not explain
- Substance use that is escalating
- Sharing music, lyrics, posts, or memes that name self-destruction
- Drafting letters, notes, or messages that read like a farewell
- A previous suicide attempt or hospitalization
If you see these signs
- Don't wait until tomorrow. A conversation tonight, even an imperfect one, beats a perfect one you didn't get to have.
- Ask directly. "Are you safe? Are you having thoughts of hurting yourself?" Asking does not plant the idea — research has shown that for decades. Asking tells your child that you see them, that you can handle the answer, and that they don't have to carry this alone.
- Listen without arguing. Don't talk them out of how they feel. Don't argue with their logic. Don't say "but you have so much to live for." Sit. Listen. Reflect back. Then ask what they need.
- Limit access to means. If there are firearms in the house, remove them or lock them and keep the key off-site. Lock up medications. The decision to attempt is often impulsive. A 10-minute delay can save a life.
- Get them to a professional. A pediatrician, a therapist, a hospital. Don't try to manage this on your own. You are not a clinician. You are a parent. Ask for help.
- Call 988 yourself if you are unsure what to do. The Suicide and Crisis Lifeline will help you think through next steps. You do not have to wait for your child to call. You can call on their behalf.
After a crisis: vigilance must go up, not down
This is the section I wish someone had handed me.
If your child has ever been hospitalized for a mental health crisis, ever attempted, ever been talked down by a friend or a stranger or a hotline, ever spent a night in a psychiatric unit, ever come home with a safety plan — please understand:
A previous crisis is not a phase they grew out of. It is a pattern they are living with.
What research tells us:
- The 90 days following a psychiatric hospital discharge are among the highest-risk periods in a young person's life.
- The first year after a previous attempt carries elevated risk that does not fully return to baseline.
- Anniversaries of difficult events — losses, traumas, transitions — can re-trigger crisis.
- The situations that brought your child to crisis once tend to repeat: the same triggers, the same time of year, the same people, the same handoffs. Watch for the pattern.
When Vendredi was fourteen, she handed a similar letter to a friend at school the day before she was to leave to spend the Thanksgiving break with her mom. The friend showed it to their mother that night. The mother called the police. Officers were knocking on our door at 2:00 in the morning. She was hospitalized that night and spent a week in treatment.
That hospitalization saved her life that time.
What I did not understand then was that the trigger — the transition — would still be a trigger years later. The pattern she was living with did not disappear because we put a bandage on it. I am writing this because every parent of a child who has been in crisis once needs to know that.
If your child has had a previous crisis:
- Mark the dates. The anniversaries. The transitions. The triggers. Watch the calendar.
- Stay in active contact with their therapist long after they feel "fine."
- Ask the safety questions periodically, even when nothing seems wrong.
- Do not assume that distance from one crisis means safety from the next one.
Trust your gut
Parents often know before clinicians. Parents often see what teachers do not. Parents often feel something is wrong before they have words for it.
If something feels off — if her laugh is forced, if his messages are too cheerful, if her room looks different than it usually does, if his sleep changed last week — say something. Ask the specific question. "Are you having thoughts of hurting yourself?" The conversation you almost didn't have is the one to have.
A false alarm costs you an awkward evening. A missed signal can cost you everything.
I would have a million awkward evenings if I could go back. So would every parent I know who has buried a child.